THANK GILLIGAN IT'S SAFE FOR WORK: October 2007

I first realized that men and women have different bathroom rules when I was chatting with some girls at college. The subject of public restrooms came up (hey, it happens) and one girl asked me what guys talk about when they’re in the bathroom. I looked at my best friend at the time, Duncan, and we were speechless for a while. Then we both said at the same time “nothing!”

Naturally, this prompted the question “do women talk?” and we were both shocked to find out that they will often chat to the person in the stall next to them! We added “yeah, but that’s a friend, right?” and we were told “not always, sometimes it could be a stranger.”
My whole vision of reality came crumbling down. This could never happen in a guy’s restroom. Never. There are many reason for this, but it did make me wonder what I will tell my son (if I ever have one) about male bathroom etiquette. This is my list.

1: THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE. DO NOT TALK! You never, ever talk to a stranger in the bathroom, that would be bad. You’re basically saying “hey, is it OK if I look at your…” well, you get the idea. If a good friend is in the bathroom, a grunt of recognition or even, in some circumstances, a quick “’sup” is permitted. That’s it and that’s all. You don’t get buddy-buddy in a bathroom with anyone, it could be construed as way too friendly.

2: Choosing a urinal is one of the most difficult arts to master. And yes, it is an art. I’ll give you the typical five-urinal scenario and tell you where to stand. A mistake here could get someone thinking you’re cruising for a bruising.

For the purposes of easy illustration O = an empty urinal and X = a urinal in use.

XOOOO - Stand to the outside when you have a completely free choice.
XOOOX - When one end is in use, go to the furthest urinal away.
XOXOX - Take the middle urinal when the ends are in use.
XOXXX - This is tricky, but acceptable IF privacy dividers are there.
XXXXX - Again, you have no choice, but do it if you have dividers

NOTE: If there are no privacy dividers, the last two options are not permissible. Use a free toilet instead. But if you really are busting, you must make your visit brief and use the following rules to the letter.

3: When using a urinal, look forward and stare blankly at the wall. NO WHISTLING. If you look down for too long you’ve stopped checking on your equipment and have instead become obsessed with it. If you look to the side you could be accused of trying to catch a glimpse of someone else’s equipment. The only safe haven is the wall. Thank your lucky stars if you get a bathroom with a sports page in a cabinet in front of you, or better yet, a live sports game on TV.

4: A tap-tap-shake will suffice. Less than this and you could be left with an embarrassing stain that says “I’m lazy and unhygienic.” Anything more and it could look like you’re having fun down there. Keep it short and sweet.

5: Zip up using the privacy dividers for protection. You don’t want to risk zipping up as you walk towards the sinks and flashing any old Tom, Dick or Harry as they walk in.

6: Despite the fact that some Neanderthals amuse themselves by leaving a beautiful orange glow in the urinal, you need to flush. If the urinal is automatic, don’t worry. If it’s not, push the button or pull the handle. Yes, it has been touched by numerous guys who have just been holding their pride and joy, but you have ample opportunity to wash your hands soon after. Please, don’t be a bathroom pig.

7: If your visit requires a toilet, the most important rules still applies…only this time your butt is under orders as well. No breaking wind unless you are alone. No grunting, no gnashing of teeth, no yelling, no talking on the phone to your stock-broker. This is a time of silent contemplation. Reading a newspaper is allowed, but don’t bring it out with you. It stays in the bathroom, it has been tainted.

8: When choosing a toilet, avoid anything with mass-graffiti, wall stains and the ever-popular “unflushed” hazard. The distaste of flushing someone else’s turd will stick with you like the ending of The Blair Witch Project. If there’s no paper, that’s going to be a nightmare. You have no time to improvise with your khaki’s around your ankles. Move along, find an empty clean toilet with a good supply of paper, check to see if the flush is functioning and let battle commence.

9: Prepare your throne. First, an ass-gasket is a must if supplied. If not, judge each toilet on its merits. Something tells me the toilet in a bathroom in Trump’s building is going to be way better taken care of than the run-down toilet in the local park. Sheets of paper may need to be layered around the seat. Also, create a splash guard. Layer sheets of paper on the surface of the water to absorb some of the noise and geyser effect when dropping the kids off at the pool.

10: The courtesy flush is alive and well. Please, be respectful and give a flush after each movement, perhaps more if you’ve got a bad stomach bug. This is serious etiquette and you’d expect the same. And of course, when you’re all done finish with a flush. You don’t want to be the inconsiderate a-hole that leaves the gift behind for someone else to deal with.

11: The exit strategy. When sat next to a fellow dumper, you cannot leave the bathroom stall at the same time. The uncomfortable looks and knowledge of each other’s muffled noises and smells will be enough to turn you redder than a jar of beets. One of you will have to crack and leave first, but it sure isn’t going to be you, right? Ideally, the whole bathroom will have vacated before you get out of the stall. If that means waiting for an hour, well, that’s alright.

12: Hand washing. Some of you may not do this at home, hey, it’s your home. But this is a public restroom and if you don’t wash you’re basically a filthy weasel. By washing, I do of course mean wetting your hands thoroughly, scrubbing for a good 30 seconds with soap, and then rinsing. A quick splash of water is not going to remove the millions of germs now making their way into your next handshake. WARNING: At this point over-zealous washing could result in splashing. That could make it look like you’ve left a urine stain, which is a serious no-go. If no-one is around, use the hot air dryer. Otherwise, you may have to hide out in a toilet for a few hours until the stain had dried by natural causes.

13: Drying time. You usually have four options. The hot air dryer, paper towels, a strange roll of actual towel or nothing. I usually opt for paper towels, they’re quick and easy. The hot air dryer takes an eternity and leaves you in the bathroom for a longer period of time. This has to be quick. That strange white towel that’s soaked and dirty is never an option. Your hands will smell like Fat Bastard's armpit. Instead, opt for “nothing” and simply do what most of us do after using a hot air dryer…wipe your hands on the back of your jeans or (dark) pants.

14: The mirror is there for a reason. That reason is not to primp and preen yourself like a peacock. Check to make sure you have no visible stains (see warning in #12) and adjust your tie or hair. This is not the time to pop a zit or brush your teeth.

15: It’s not over yet. When trying to leave you may bump into someone who has no clue about this bathroom etiquette. The biggest nightmare could be YOUR BOSS who sees no problem in urinating while chatting about the latest figures from New York. Or, dropping trou in a toilet and shouting orders at you while you write down the instructions on a paper towel. This situation needs to be avoided. Leave sharply, keep your head down and walk like you’re on a mission. If anyone tries to chat, shouting “late for a meeting” or “gotta take this call” while clutching your cell phone should buy you an escape.

So, there you have it. Sure, this is not a short lesson. But it’s vital. If all guys follow this we can have bathroom nirvana everywhere we go. Stay safe gents.